My Baby in Heaven...

In my last post, I said I was a Mother.
And so I am......I am a Mother of two children.
The time I was given to be 'Mother' to my second child was oh so short - just a few days shy of 8 weeks.
At such a young age, my little Jamie baby wasn't really able to do much at all--yet, I like to think that he or she was able to feel some sort of comfort and safety inside my womb, and that somehow Jamie was able to know how much I loved him. Because, I do love you Jamie. I always will!

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It all began last October. It started out as just an ordinary day.
A Saturday.
My husband was home from work, taking care of our son Patrick.
The sun was shining, and I was driving down Wesley Street in our old rusty pick up truck.

That afternoon, I discovered that inside my womb there was another little life being formed.
I can still recall the emotions I felt as I stared down at that positive pregnancy test....

Later that evening I told my husband about our new child.
I remember how quickly my heart beat; nearly pounding out of my chest as I watched my husband read my card. I remember the look in his eyes, and the sound of his voice as he said "really?!"
It was a beautiful day-a day not to be forgotten.

Four weeks followed. Our little baby was already changing our lives-in wonderful ways!
We were no longer a family of three, but now four!
We had another child - we had been given two perfect gifts from our Father in Heaven. We were so excited!
Everything was viewed differently now. Every plan we made for the future was affected by the teeny tiny little person who would be joining us in 7 months.

Then another 'day you don't forget' happened. Sharp in contrast to the first - this was one of sadness.
It was the day that I was told:

"There is no heartbeat."

....and our life was changed again.

Taken from my womb and taken from this world.
I would never give birth to that one unique child. He was already gone - slipped away without me knowing when or why.

But he did live. He was a person.
Yes, one just beginning to form - but a person nonetheless.
and he was ours.

In our hearts there will always be a spot just for Jamie-our little baby, as we affectionately called him or her.
That part of our heart will always be held dear, and when it is opened and carefully looked upon from time to time, there will always be some pain.
Pain because of all the moments that were missed with our second child.
Deep pain because, in this life we will never get to know that little person.
Was Jamie a boy or a girl? What would he of looked like? Would he of had light hair like Mommy and Patrick, or dark hair like Daddy? What would his little laugh of sounded like?
So many questions ~ all without answers.

It is the natural instinct of a Mother to protect her children.
The moment you know your baby is alive, that instinct begins to grow and deepen.
Just one single moment - yet it changes you forever.
No matter how long your child lives, that change will affect you.

God is the one who gives that instinct to us Mothers.
He wants us to protect our children, and train them in the way that they should go.

Yet, there is only so much we can do. At some point we must give our children wholly to God, and learn to trust them wholly to His perfect care.

I'm finding this is a lesson that needs to be learned daily.
Each new morning as I go about my daily tasks, I must remember that my children our not my own, but God's.
Their lives are in His hands. He knows at what exact moment each life will begin, and when it will end.
As difficult as it might be, I must trust those decisions to Him.

God gave us Patrick. So far he has given us 16 months with our little blond haired-blue eyed boy. I hope with all my heart that He gives Patrick a long and healthy life.
I pray for it.
But I must trust that decision to Him. I must rest in His will - whatever it be.

God gave us Jamie. God allowed Jamie to live for almost 8 weeks-then He called him home.
I must trust Him with that, too.
When my heart is heavy, and my arms long to hold just one little baby -I must run to His arms. The arms of Jesus.
And while I rest there, I'll know that Jamie is safe and well taken care of too - for it is in those same arms that he is held each day.