Thoughts From The Rocking Chair...

To My Second Son

2009-05-04T13:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Nicolas,
This afternoon I sat in the rocking chair, rocking you to sleep. The same chair that I have rocked your older brother in.
I held you close, your warm little face against mine. I watched your little eye-lids begin to droop, and finally close in peaceful sleep. I continued to hold you and rock you, even after you were asleep.

Just today I was trying to scheme up some way to get you to put yourself to sleep, and to sleep longer at night. I put you in your crib and stood beside you, not willing to leave you all alone, but hoping that it might help you learn to sleep better and longer. Finally you closed your eyes and slept, still sucking on your pacifier with all your might. After that I was relieved but felt sad, too.

This afternoon I did not feel like doing that again. I tried. But when you began to wail I went in and scooped you up. I wanted to cuddle you close!
It felt so good to hold you, and study every little feature of your face. I know how quickly you will grow up, and I know all too well that the days of holding you close like that are limited.
As I gazed upon your beautiful little face, my heart was filling with love for you. The words of your lullaby were playing "He'll wipe away each tear.....He surely understands...."
My heart was full of many emotions. I thought of this time with you, so very, very short. I thought of sleepless nights and days, I thought of the gift of time. I wondered about your life, and I thought about the babies we lost before you.
I noted every little thing about your face. How I want to remember it always. Your precious little baby face! I thought about your Daddy, too....for you have his little chin, you know....and you have two little "dimples" in your nose, just like me! You are a part of both of us, made into one perfect little baby by our Father in Heaven....and I love you so very, very much.
You are our second baby, but never think that you are second in our hearts. You are loved deeply and there is a spot in our life that only you can fill.

So, sleep sweetly and peacefully, baby bug-a-boo.....

Love,
Mama

Time and Life....while being a Mother

2007-06-16T18:31:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I am overwhelmed with motherhood....in many different ways. :)

There are moments when I am overwhelmed with the duties that stretch out before me as I work at my endless "job" (which I wouldn't trade for anything, just for the record!)

...Then there are moments when I am overwhelmed with the beauty and wonder of motherhood.

To hold a little child in your arms-a little one that is your child....thinking about all that has happened in his life so far, and all that you imagine and hope for him in the future--it is truly overwhelming!

As I sat in my rocking chair again tonight, rocking my sleeping baby boy, I thought about time. A wonderful and terrible thing, all rolled together into one word.

Time makes my love for my son grow stronger. Each day as I watch him grow and change, the bond we have deepens.
Time also gives me hope for Patrick. Hope that as he grows, he will learn more and more how to behave and act. Hope that with time and growth, he will one day learn to love and follow my Lord and Savior.

Time will also turn Patrick from a baby sleeping peacefully across my chest, to a full grown man-who will eventually leave my arms and our home.

As I continued to rock, I thought also about life. It is such a beautiful thing!
How creative and good God is to have thought it all up and shared it with us!

First you are born. Quickly you grow. Childhood days pass all too quickly, and you find yourself a young adult.
At times it seems as if life is taking forever to happen-yet before you know it, you are standing beside a man or a woman, and beginning a new life - together as one.

You are young and life seems like a grand adventure-and so it can be! Yet it is not void of trials and tears.
Life is a beautiful but hard thing.

Each day passes. Days turn to weeks. Weeks turn into months, and months into years.
You work and love and try to pay the bills. You welcome into your lives tiny little people, new to this world - and ready to change your life completely - in so many wonderful ways!

Sometimes, throughout it all, we fall into thinking that we are "so old" - yet we are still so young! Kids really-yet with kids of our own! We are now the ones that little faces look up to as they lisp the words "Mama" and "Daddy" It's an amazing and thrilling thing, this thing called life!

As I hold my baby close and think on these things, I realize how quickly time is flying by.
Even now, I am repeating the life of my parents. All too soon my son will be repeating mine.
It's the way of time.

All too soon Patrick will be a man. I like to think that he will be tall and handsome-probably I will think so, no matter what others think!

No longer will I be able to fix all his problems by scooping him up in my arms and holding him close.
No longer will he need my love in the same old ways. Indeed, there will probably come along another girl who will take my place in many a way....

Yes, that day will come.

But tonight I am rocking my little boy.
Tonight time is standing still for half an hour.
I want to remember these moments....

How much my little Paddy needs me....
how sometimes all he needs is just to be picked up and held - by me or his daddy....

How simple his life really is at this moment in time.

What a privilege it is to be a mother! How fulfilling it is to be the caregiver and need-meeter of this one little boy in the world. To be on call for him, 24/7.....
The one who gets him up in the morning and helps him dress....
To dry his tears after he trips and falls.....
To be the one at the end of the day to lay him in his bed and stroke his little face.....to whisper the words "God bless and keep you" as I leave him for the night in his little white crib....

I couldn't ask for a better way to spend my days! My heart overflows with love for this child of mine.

I love this life, with all it's joys and pains. I love being a mother.

Thoughts on Children's Behavior and Our Actions

2007-05-29T09:51:00.000-07:00

We see a child in a grocery store, pitching a royal fit. As it flails it's arms about and wails, we inwardly think "whoa, what terrible parents. I'd never let my child behave that way!"

Sadly, I've thought similar thoughts on more than one occasion. Many a time I've passed judgement on some poor mother and her upset child.

Was that right? NO! God's Word says "Judge not..."
Was it right for the child to be behaving that way? NO!

I was raised in a Christian home. I've grown up among people who have high standards for how their children should act - and rightly so!

Yet, as my innocent baby has grown into a little toddler and I've been the mother who did indeed have a screaming child in the middle of a restaurant - or watched as my son allowed his body to go limp right in the middle of the grocery aisle, I've discovered a few things (aside from the fact that I should not judge, which I knew technically before, but understand with much more empathy, now! :))............

First, there are lots of reasons why we do things - why we want our children to behave.
Some are good reasons, some are not.

We want to train our children in the way that they should go - in God's way, the straight and narrow path. Try to prepare their little hearts to be soft and shape-able for Christ, and the work He wants to do in and through them.

We want to prepare them for life. Train them to have right responses when they aren't given everything that they want - teach them to be kind to others - even and especially when someone isn't kind to them.
We want to teach them to respond the way God would want them to, in each and every situation of their entire life. We want to teach them to strive to live "a perfect and peaceable life" even though we know that they will fail often, just as we do each day.

Failure is a part of life. It's something that we can expect daily - because we are human.
Of course we shouldn't just give in to it, just because we expect it - but we mustn't despair because of it's presence in our life - or the life of our children.

I've discovered that when my son does something bad, my mind is quickly crowded with thoughts about myself. "Oh no! What will so-in-so think of me now!" or even "wow, I sure handled that situation well! I'm sure so-in-so noticed. They must see what a great mom I am now!"
This is not right!

Training my child is not about me. It's about him and God.

If I give in to this fear of man, or if I allow this pride in my heart, I'm committing many serious wrongs - not to mention the fact that when I do, I'm in essence teaching my son to live his life the same way.
So, how should I respond to my son's behavior? What is my job as a parent?

Most importantly, I should be praying a lot. Asking God to help me, and help my son. All children are different, and need different methods of teaching and training.

It's also part of my job as a parent to train him to deal with his feelings.
I don't think it would be right to ask him to squelch them under - or to rebuke him for feeling sadness when his request for something is denied. That's just normal. Especially at his age, when he is learning about life still - how it all works.

I must begin however, to train him to respond correctly to the things that make him angry and sad.

I haven't failed as a parent if my child displays negative emotions.
However, I have failed as a parent if he doesn't learn the right way to respond to them.

When my child is upset that I told him "no" I can expect that he will cry.
He might even throw a fit about it. I should not expect him to act as an adult who is mature and "trained"
I should go to him and instruct him that that is not acceptable behavior. No means No - and he needs to have a good attitude about it.

It's a process. It will take awhile. He will continue to fail, just as I continue to fail each day.
There will be consequences. It's my job to allow them or create them, just as my Lord does with me.
As he grows I can expect more of him.

So, on this journey of parenthood, I've discovered that some things are ok, and some are not. Things that I used to think were right I have discovered are not necessarily the best for us right now. I've discovered that I'm dreadfully human, yet God still loves me. He is patient with me....and He is the best example of a parent that I could ever, ever find.

Childhood Dreams

2007-05-03T10:12:00.000-07:00

As a child, there were many things that interested me. I loved animals and art and creating things on the computer.
My dreams were as varied as becoming an Olympic Ice Skater to being the greatest animal trainer around!
In my heart though, I seemed to know that there were really only two things that truly mattered to me.

The first was to get married, and the second, to have babies.

I spent many an hour dreaming of my wedding day, what it would be like to set up my own home, and having my own little precious baby (which of course would be a boy!) to hold and dress and rock to sleep.

When I was nearly 11 years old, I met the boy who would someday become my husband.
About a year or two after that, many of my dreams of "wife hood and mommy-hood" included him as the "handsome husband" I'd dreamed about for so long.

I'd say that "one day all my dreams came true" but that's only partly true!
Yes, my two main aspirations for my life did come true-but it took much longer than one day!
And you know what? Every day I continue to live out my dreams, as I complete each household chore, and change each dirty diaper.

It might not seem like loading and unloading the diswasher every single day (or multiple times a day!) and washing and ironing the shirts I just ironed and washed a few days ago is very "dream come true-ish"- but when I look at it just right - the way that God would want me to, those mundane and seemingly endless tasks are exactly what God wants me to be doing!

Some day I might illustrate books - or even train animals. But today I'm happy to be here in my house, with my little boy and my husband who comes home each evening.

Thank you God for my family, and the job you've given me in taking care of them.
Some days It's harder than others to remember that I'm living out my dreams, and doing what You want me to. When those days come, help me to look up to You and to keep putting one foot in front of the other-and doing so with JOY!

My Baby in Heaven...

2007-04-25T11:15:00.000-07:00

In my last post, I said I was a Mother.
And so I am......I am a Mother of two children.
The time I was given to be 'Mother' to my second child was oh so short - just a few days shy of 8 weeks.
At such a young age, my little Jamie baby wasn't really able to do much at all--yet, I like to think that he or she was able to feel some sort of comfort and safety inside my womb, and that somehow Jamie was able to know how much I loved him. Because, I do love you Jamie. I always will!

---------------------------------------------------------------------
It all began last October. It started out as just an ordinary day.
A Saturday.
My husband was home from work, taking care of our son Patrick.
The sun was shining, and I was driving down Wesley Street in our old rusty pick up truck.

That afternoon, I discovered that inside my womb there was another little life being formed.
I can still recall the emotions I felt as I stared down at that positive pregnancy test....

Later that evening I told my husband about our new child.
I remember how quickly my heart beat; nearly pounding out of my chest as I watched my husband read my card. I remember the look in his eyes, and the sound of his voice as he said "really?!"
It was a beautiful day-a day not to be forgotten.

Four weeks followed. Our little baby was already changing our lives-in wonderful ways!
We were no longer a family of three, but now four!
We had another child - we had been given two perfect gifts from our Father in Heaven. We were so excited!
Everything was viewed differently now. Every plan we made for the future was affected by the teeny tiny little person who would be joining us in 7 months.

Then another 'day you don't forget' happened. Sharp in contrast to the first - this was one of sadness.
It was the day that I was told:

"There is no heartbeat."

....and our life was changed again.

Taken from my womb and taken from this world.
I would never give birth to that one unique child. He was already gone - slipped away without me knowing when or why.

But he did live. He was a person.
Yes, one just beginning to form - but a person nonetheless.
and he was ours.

In our hearts there will always be a spot just for Jamie-our little baby, as we affectionately called him or her.
That part of our heart will always be held dear, and when it is opened and carefully looked upon from time to time, there will always be some pain.
Pain because of all the moments that were missed with our second child.
Deep pain because, in this life we will never get to know that little person.
Was Jamie a boy or a girl? What would he of looked like? Would he of had light hair like Mommy and Patrick, or dark hair like Daddy? What would his little laugh of sounded like?
So many questions ~ all without answers.

It is the natural instinct of a Mother to protect her children.
The moment you know your baby is alive, that instinct begins to grow and deepen.
Just one single moment - yet it changes you forever.
No matter how long your child lives, that change will affect you.

God is the one who gives that instinct to us Mothers.
He wants us to protect our children, and train them in the way that they should go.

Yet, there is only so much we can do. At some point we must give our children wholly to God, and learn to trust them wholly to His perfect care.

I'm finding this is a lesson that needs to be learned daily.
Each new morning as I go about my daily tasks, I must remember that my children our not my own, but God's.
Their lives are in His hands. He knows at what exact moment each life will begin, and when it will end.
As difficult as it might be, I must trust those decisions to Him.

God gave us Patrick. So far he has given us 16 months with our little blond haired-blue eyed boy. I hope with all my heart that He gives Patrick a long and healthy life.
I pray for it.
But I must trust that decision to Him. I must rest in His will - whatever it be.

God gave us Jamie. God allowed Jamie to live for almost 8 weeks-then He called him home.
I must trust Him with that, too.
When my heart is heavy, and my arms long to hold just one little baby -I must run to His arms. The arms of Jesus.
And while I rest there, I'll know that Jamie is safe and well taken care of too - for it is in those same arms that he is held each day.

I am a Mother

2007-04-14T11:36:00.000-07:00

I am a mother. One simple word; yet the meaning is far from simple.

One small word; made up of just six letters-but the meaning is so complex.

Each day I learn something new about being a mother.

This blog is for those lessons and memories.

This time in my life is precious, and I feel deeply blessed and grateful to of been giving this task by my Father in Heaven.

_______________________________________________

I sat in my rocking chair today, rocking my baby.

I left the cares of the world behind me for a few moments.

I looked at my son-taking in everything about him.

His silky blonde hair and his long dark eyelashes that look just like his daddy's.

I tried to memorize the feeling of his face against mine and the feeling of his warm little body in my arms.

He will not be a baby much longer.

Where have the last 16 months gone? How could so much change of happened in just a little over one year.

It was not so long ago, that cold icy morning when I held him for the first time-
Yet the memories seem just a little hazy.
I knew it was happening--that thing called time.

Everyone warns you of it-and oh how you try to fight against it! But alas, try as you might, you can never fully succeed. Silently it enters. You barely notice as each day it makes it's mark on those around you. Oh so subtly it changes them - Then one day the reality of it hits you. As you stare at it head on, you realize that the little newborn in your arms is no more. Instead there lies a little boy across your lap.
He can walk and run all by himself now. With each passing day he learns something new; something that makes him a little more independent and a little less needful of your constant care.

But my heart cries out "No!"
I don't want it to keep going like this. I want to freeze this moment and make it last forever.
If it doesn't, I might not remember everything about it.
I might not remember how little he still is, or the way he sings along with me as we rock.
I might forget how wonderful and beautiful my life is at this moment.
I might not remember how the love for this little person of ours just swells up in my heart until it feels like bursting, because it cannot hold the beauty and pain of this moment.

Time will keep marching on, day by day.

Right now there are probably half a dozen things that need my attention right now-not to mention the things that 'eventually' need my care.

There are toys scattered on the floor. Dishes waiting to be washed. A strange smell wafts throughout the house, because I dealt with not one, but two dirty diapers during nap time--and the laundry from those episodes is still waiting the be started.
And of course there's that pile of dirt I swept up over an hour ago--still waiting to be dumped into the trashcan! The "to-do" list is never-ending.

Yet, here I sit.

Because, after all-I am a mother.
And as they say.....

Cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow...
for babies grow up we've learned to our sorrow...
So quiet down cobwebs-dust go to sleep...
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep!!